Communication in DDLG

by Kitten
communication in ddlg

When do you expect your daddies to reply? I sometimes don’t get a reply for days and I haven’t heard anything off my daddy for a day now and it’s killing me but I love him so I deal with it 😬😫💛

I found this question on Facebook being asked to a group of us, and it honestly made me pretty sad. I see so many variances of this question right here on my newsfeed every single day, and it really alludes to a huge problem in the DDLG community. It is one that I struggle with myself, and one that I think a lot of people need to work hard at getting better at, and that is communication.

Warning: This post is just about my opinions, and my own thoughts. Not everyone is going to agree and I understand, and if you don’t? Let’s conversate, not attack!

People are not mind readers.

No matter how much we wish we were, and no matter how hard we try to be, we’re just not. Unless of course, you somehow got those powers and now we’re all really insanely jealous of you and hope you don’t read our most inner thoughts! (Ha!) What this means is that we have to tell people our thoughts and feelings, but most importantly the WHY behind them.

Obviously, if you’re like me and your poker face needs a lot of work, it’s going to be very obvious when you’re upset. Eye rolling, huffs, stomps, etc give it away for sure. But even the smaller things give it away. Like crestfallen smiles, unusual silences, a decrease in texts, the tone of your voice and more.  These behaviors and changes in behaviors, should trigger a response from your caregiver but if they ask you what’s wrong and you just say, “nothing, it’s fine” or something like that? You’re not helping the situation.

Instead, you could say things like:

  • There is something wrong, I’m just not ready to talk about it yet. Can I talk about it later?
  • I need to calm down about what’s wrong and when I’m ready we can sit down and talk about it. (Make sure to let them know it has nothing to do with the relationship, as ‘we need to talk’ always sets people off.)
  • I’m not good at talking, but I’m going to write it down so you can read what’s wrong.

We have to do better. We have to work hard at talking and making sure the other person understands why we’re upset! The people in our lives will never know what it is they have done wrong if you’ don’t actually tell them. A big thing for me personally, is that I’m not good at verbal communication. Hearing and talking about things makes me really upset, especially when I can’t understand something, or verbalize my own thoughts. I’m pretty shy and it is embarrassing for me to say that I don’t understand something, or need more clarification/information. So for me, I write a lot. Have some of those big talks in text, and then sit down and go over it. My Papa – Blake – and I have a very good relationship when it comes to this stuff. He has a very easy time talking about things where I don’t. So he will talk to me, and I will write. It allows me to hear him, while processing and I don’t get afraid to ask for more! It’s all about finding the right way for you to communicate not only easier, but better!

In this specific comment above, I ended up talking with this person some more to find out some pretty disturbing behavior from their other half. This person has been in a long distance relationship with their Daddy. They live about three hours apart and will go about 6+ hours without a text response. When they get one, it’s one-word answers, and their partner will not allow them to go to social events by their side or hang with their friends saying they don’t want their little around their friends. It seems that also whenever the Little brings this up to their Daddy, he turns it around and puts the blame on her, refusing to really acknowledge or apologize for it.

Gaslighting is a super big, red flag.

My heart actually sank reading the Little’s responses. It ended up getting to the point where I could feel the markings of emotional abuse from previous relationships coming to the surface. My stomach was just so knotted, and then they said the one thing I can relate to more than anything, “I don’t want to let Daddy go.”

Here was my piece of advice on letting go, and it is a piece of advice I give to everyone who I see in this situation.

I am the first person who will understand not wanting to let someone go.

We see the good in someone and we know it’s there. We’ve seen the sweet, tender, loving side of that person and know it’s been there before, so why isn’t it still there?

But something I think a lot of people don’t do is look at what is happening now. “With rose tinted glasses, red flags just look like flags.”

We don’t ever want to see the bad in someone. We don’t ever want to see red flags as what they are, and this? This is a red flag.

Put the situation in a different perspective.

If your best friend came to you and told you they’re dating a guy but he tells her he doesn’t want her to be around his friends ever, how upset would you be that he treats her that way? That he wont allow her to come around the important people of his life? You’d automatically be suspicoius and angry. And if he was ignoring her, brushing her off, making her feel less than worthy and turning around what he’s doing/not doing on her? You’d be infuriated.

Why?

Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Especially, not you.

I feel like it’s very true. Most of us in relationships where we are being mistreated, would be absolutely livid/brokenhearted to find out someone who we love and care about, was being treated that way. I find a lot of times when we see it in this new perspective, it really hits us. That sinking feeling of familiarity, that cold shiver up the spine when the realization hits us. It’s a horrible sensation, but it’s necessary. We need to open our eyes and see when we are being mistreated. So many people have such little self-worth due to being abused, bullied, etc.

It is hard to leave a relationship where it is unhealthy. It is so very difficult and there will come a time where the people around you do their best to convince you to leave. They show you the whole picture and one day, you wake up and see it. The horror of it, and you want to leave, but you want to stay…

I won’t lie to you, it is so hard to leave.

I’ve been in a precarious situation that maybe I’ll write about one day, and I didn’t leave for over a year. Despite watching and knowing my relationship was falling apart, I didn’t leave. Because I loved that person. Believed in that person. I believed so hard until I couldn’t anymore and it just fractured and fell apart. I never want someone to get to the point I got to. Where it all turned off. Where everything just went numb.

I want people to communicate and flourish. To work together. I always suggest couples counseling when I can. Why? Because it is so important to learn how to communicate. Sometimes, it really helps to have a non-biased person listen to your arguments and give perspective and help you both work together through major issues. Learning to communicate will y far strengthen your relationship and help break past a lot of barriers! It can also help both parties by letting it out. The frustrations, the anxiety, the build-up causing the behaviors.

Going to counseling together, and alone, is a sign of strength.

To give you guys a head start on searching, I found a fantastic link for the National Board for Certified Counselors, and it looks like they have more than just couples counseling as a searchable thing, but it looks promising!

If you or someone you love is in a situation of any kind of abuse, please use the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Any abuse of any kind is not okay. From physical to emotional manipulation. There’s always a way out, I promise.

Question of the Day: How do you and your Caregiver communicate?

Thanks so much for reading our article on DDLG Advice – Communication! I really appreciate the time you took to do so and would love for you to follow us me on social media to keep up to date! Also, don’t forget to subscribe to the blog! 😀

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