Let’s Talk Vetting

by Kitten
bdsm vetting

Lately, in a lot of the DDLG groups that I am in on Facebook, Fet, Tumblr, Kik, etc. I’ve been seeing an increasing pattern of behavior that worries me, a lot.  From people making posts that are about being ghosted by a Daddy, they’ve only had for a day up to a week or saying I love you after talking for just a few hours… It’s behaviors like these that are just so dangerous and today I want to talk about something so very important that people seem to not be implementing in their BDSM lives but should be: Vetting. 

I feel that most people can agree there is a certain level of safety that you should be harnessing when you are in the vetting process.

Before I forget and get ahead of myself, I just want to say that I am very aware of the fact that I can honestly only speak for my own opinion, and my own experiences when it comes to vetting. There is not a distinct rulebook for how to do it and what you should be doing, how much time it should be taking you etc. However, I feel that most people can agree there is a certain level of safety that you should be harnessing when you are in the vetting process.

I also want to point out that I am very aware of the fact that there is nothing that says that vetting somebody is going to protect you from them. It’s just like the saying if you look in a room full of people can you tell me which one the serial killer is? You can’t because they look like anyone else. You should be approaching any relationship that you get into with a lot of caution, and always keep in mind that the amount of time that you are with somebody does not equate to them not hurting you in any way shape or form.

Let’s REALLY get started.  

First, I want to talk about what exactly vetting is when it pertains to the BDSM. So the actual definition of vetting is “to investigate someone thoroughly, especially in order to ensure that they are suitable for a job requiring secrecy, loyalty, or trustworthiness.” It’s really no different in the community because what the job is, is either Dom or Sub. I believe that both Dom’s and Subs should be vetting their potential partner equally. It shouldn’t just be subs vetting doms.

A lot of the things that people should be vetted for, will show up as what is commonly known as “red flags”. Red flags are behaviors and patterns that someone has and gives off that are concerning and alarming especially to other people who have more experience in the community and can see that. I like to think that when you have a crush and you feel like you’re in lust with somebody that you are just as blind if not more so than when you are in love with someone. You don’t exactly start seeing these unhealthy behaviors until usually someone points out in a situation that makes sense to you, or when there is something that has escalated to heavily. 

Red flags are things like overly clingy behavior, demands for you to not talk to certain friends, people who over analyze your behaviors and try to make you feel crazy etc. Especially early on.

A lot of the times these behaviors manifest, in my opinion, in the comments section before people even know each other at all. When I am reading these posts in these groups where the OP (original poster) will write something to start a thread from selfies, to asking a question etc. the person that responds is usually immediately asking if they can send them APM or something of a flirtatious nature without actually putting effort into responding to what the original post is about.

These red flags also manifest in the posts themselves where people are talking about how they literally just met somebody, maybe a few days prior, and already call them Daddy or their Little. That behavior right there, when you don’t actually have an established relationship with somebody and you’re just jumping right into it is a big red flag. Huge.

This shows that the people that are involved are not taking the time to not just get to know the other person, but, talk about the important things when it comes to the lifestyle. Kind of just jumping right in and expecting that things are just going to magically figure themselves out. Going into a relationship of any kind honestly with that kind of mindset is just going to spell disaster for the two of you. Not talking to somebody and not getting to know them is only going to increase the potential for you down the road to realize that this is the type of person that you want to be with. They may be into things that you’re genuinely not into and that can apply it you both at a disadvantage.   

When you’re vetting somebody, there are so many different things that you should be looking at and taking into account. You absolutely, or at least I feel like you should absolutely be, using a limits list to go over the things that you are into together. Having a limits list lets you open a conversation about what you’re into and not into. Maybe there’s something that your partner is curious about that you never tried and up until now you didn’t really think he would be into it.  Learning that they are could open the door for you to be a little bit more open to trying out because they are. A limits list is such an amazing tool to have and because of that what I went ahead and did was I created a document on the limits list for you guys to download and print out to use it for your own needs. You can check out this link on the blog to take you over to the download section of our website and the limits list is there.  

Tips for Vetting a Potential Partner

  • Get to know who the person is outside of the Daddy/Little role! There’s more to the Daddy/Little in your life. More than those sultry words, touches and toys. Each of us is unique and there’s a reason or five that make us who we are! Get to know your Dom as himself. Treat him with respect not because he is your dom, but also a human being. Learn his favorite snacks, sports etc. It’s good to learn each other.
  • Do stuff and things as a regular ol‘ couple!Part of having your forever, is being able to be around that person all the time. From falling asleep together, to when Daddy totally eats your snackies thinking you won’t notice. But you do, and yes, the world may be over for a second. Being able to feel each other out separate from the kink or little space and as just two regular adults? Super important. Go on dates, shop at the mall, go to dinner just as Sue and Jason. (Who are those people? No clue. Fake names. Woot!) Be yourself. And I know what you’re saying, “But Kittennnn, being little is being myself!” I know, I know. Being a little is a huge part of our identity but let’s be realistic: sometimes even Littles have to be adults.
  • Listen to that cute voice in your head!
  • You know the voice. The one that whispered that something just isn’t settling well with you. The voice that says stop, pay attention and really take notice. Your gut instinct I find tends to be spot on. Really try to listen to it. I know that its hard. Nobody wants to be or feel suspicious of someone they like. But you know, sometimes it pays to be cautious. Be thorough in vetting. If you feel uncertain do a background check. Do a reverse image search. Whatever puts you at ease.
  • If you’re online only right now, VIDEO CHAT. I do not give a single sparkle what their excuse might be. You set a date for your first video chat and that is that. You have no idea who is on the other end of the computer until you see with your own two (or four) eyes. Discord and Skype are fantastic resources but even Gmail, Kik, and Instagram have video chatting features! (As of August 2018) You deserve to be reassured.
  • Ask about their experience in the scene. Ask how long they have been in the scene, how many subs they’ve had, why the relationships didn’t work out. Ask if they are still friends with exs. There’s so many things to ask about and you should. Ask them how long they’ve been a Daddy. If they’re into ABDL, or what their favorite aespects of the lifestyle are. Be specific and open.

Questions to ask the person you’re vetting!

There are so many questions that you should be considering asking the person you have interest in. From their income, lifestyle, experience, to their living situations and things of that nature! Think of it like renting an apartment. You want to know the features of the place you want to be, and the environment and the factors that influence that. (That is an absolutely horrible metaphor for vetting. Hahaha) Asking questions and learning about the other person is such an important part of the vetting process, and it isn’t going to be over in just a day! It can take days, weeks, months, maybe even a year or more for the people involved to feel comfortable! These questions can also be helpful and important for scenes! But this all leads up to the day you decide to (depending on your role) to collar or be collared. It is a huge fucking deal guys. Huge. 

I did some research and found a couple of great articles that I agreed with, asked a lot of you guys, and decided to make my own mini list of some questions you can ask your potential partner in order to get a better understanding of who they are! 

  • What do you do for a living? 
  • Are you full time, or part-time and what is your normal schedule? (I feel like this is super important because knowing the time that person may have to give you will help a lot.)
  • Who are your best friends? 
  • Do you have any mental illnesses that affect you deeply? (You should also be talking about your own! Mental illness is a big deal in this day and age, and some take a bit more to handle than others. Being open and honest with someone is important. It also gives you a chance to learn about them. 
  • Do they have any physical limitations? 
  • If they have mental illness, ask if there are any triggers or anything you can do to help them through that episode. 
  • Are they on any medication?
  • Do they partake in drugs and alcohol? What is their ‘poison’ and what are they like when they’re under the influence? (Some people are happy drunks and some are angry. Different liquors can affect people differently, so its important to know so you can do your best to avoid that.) 
  • What is their relationship like with their parents? Family? 
  • Do they have any children?
  • Do they have a partner already and are looking to expand their dynamic? (This is a complicated topic. I find that poly relationships are something that require so much more vetting than a normal dynamic/relationship of any kind because there’s not just two people involved but more.)
  • What was their childhood like?
  • Do they have any allergies? Things like food, pets etc. and what do they take for them? (You can always keep over the counter medication in your house for them or on your person! That’s a really thoughtful thing to do.)
  • What is their feeling on pregnancy/children? (It is important to know if you are able to create/have children. Accidents can happen.)
  • Do they want children? 
  • Do they have children?
  • What is their transportation like? (Bus, car etc.) 
  • Do they live alone? Roommates? And where? Is it a house, apartment etc. 
  • What do they want in a relationship dynamic? Is it poly, mono? (Asking questions about being in a poly relationship needs to be something you sit down and really take a lot of time talking about. Ask them what they see the ideal dynamic being. Do they want one extra partner? Two? Will you both be able to seek others? This is a whole different topic honestly, and I really hope that I can find some people to volunteer to write an article about poly relationships for us!)
  • What were their previous relationships like, why did they end? (Run a background check on this person as well. You can get information from your local county clerks office. Make sure there’s nothing there at all. Criminal, assault, felony  etc.)

As you can see, there are so many things that you should absolutely be talking to your potential partner about! The above being just a few suggestions. there are so many questions that should be talked about! And it’s not even really that kink related. Kink comes later when you discuss that limits list! Use that opportunity to really get into the nitty-gritty of things! 

If you had to give someone tips on vetting, what would they be? Leave your comments below!

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